I went back into my old xanga account today.. mainly because it's been.. a long time since I've been there, lol.. This was one of my last posts. I haven't edited anything so idk how bad spelling is, lol.
Friday, September 01, 2006
Our lives are full of forgotten memories. We live, and do so much, that a lot of the past stuff we have done, is gone. But for some reason, we cant get our heads past the present. Its like we need to have the here and now and nothing that is coming to us in the future. Ted Dekker said it best. Weve fallen asleep to this world.
The fact of the matter is, we have no idea all the stuff that goes in. Not only in our lives, but the world. Forget that part though We dont even know whats happening in our own bodies. We dont take time to care. We dont think about the beauty of one breath. Life giving air, filling our unseen lungs. Or each heart beat. Beating softly, with a rhythm. Pumping blood through our bodies, so that we can sustain this life.
We are asleep to the world. We only live within our own selves. For some reason, we cant seem to care about the person crying beside us. This might seem silly, but I was watching Sci-Fi There was this show called Who wants to be a superhero. I dont remember everything, but I remember that they had to complete a certain challenge. But what they thought the challenge was, really wasnt the challenge. They had placed a crying, lost girl in the path of these superheros Only one person stopped to help this girl. The others were too consumed with their own selves, rushing about trying to complete this challenge as fast as they could For themselves.
To often we do that. We ask Hey, how are you. But we really dont care if theyre fine or not. We just want them to ask US the same exact thing, so we can complain. Thats not how we were made Thats not what we were made FOR.
Heres the bottom line. There are people out there hurting. They cry themselves to sleep. They hide behind a mask. They dont show that theyre hurt, because the mask has been woven well. Take some time. Really listen. Listen to the sound of a breath. Listen and feel the beat of the heart. Take a second, and listen to the unseen tears, and unheard cry of the broken.
Monday, December 17, 2007
Lapping Ocean waves change quicker than the sand it takes away.
A few days ago, I had been thinking about how life changes. That life continually changes, like it or not. We grow, and become older, and we have different desires. Our thoughts change. Our bodies change. We change quickly, more quickly than we even change our clothes.
This past weekend, I have been in florida having some R and R. Something I needed desperately. It was a chance to hang out with friends. To grow, to become. Thursday night I really wanted to go the to beach. And even though some people are wondering why I would choose night to go, then I must take you sometime. The beach at night is unsettling. It's unsettling because you can not be out there, and not see God's hand. You look around, and you see beauty. If you close your eyes to block it out, you hear beauty, as you hear the ocean lap against the shore line. You block out the ocean sound, and you can feel God's beauty in the sand. Seashells line the shore line, as your toes play in the sand. He is everywhere. He surrounds all. Sometimes I wonder why the God who created all this beauty would allow us to change so much. To allow so much.
I walked out onto a pier that was in the middle of the water alone that night. I walked out in the black, barely able to see ahead of me. As I kept walking, it seemed as if the pier stretched farther away from me. The sea air whipped around me, filling my nose with the sweet ocean smell. I made it to the end, where the only thing near was water. And all I could think about is how moses felt. Because truly that night I felt that I was standing on holy ground. Like a little child, I gazed into the black ocean. Looking up into the night sky, and feeling... helplessly in love. At the moment, changing didn't matter. Life didn't matter. All I wanted to do was to plunge into the ocean, and be one with my maker.
It's amazing how things happen. It's amazing that suddenly, at the drop of a coin, in the blink of an eye, life can be completely change for you. It's scary, it's nerve wracking. IN a way it's quite disheartening. Think about it You could be building this house, and you've spent years on it, and suddenly it's gone. You come in to work on the house the next day, and it's collapsed.
I guess that's what tests our characters.. To see how we'll rebuild from the wreckage. Do you take a look at the blueprints and see what went wrong? Or do you sit there in stunned amazement and what happened.
God is Grace. Kindness. Compassion. Consistent. Unchanging.
Our lives are like sand. Things won't ever be the same as it once was. All that is needed is for the wind to pick us up, and throw us somewhere else, or a wave to take us into the ocean.
So here's to plunging in. Diving deep to search for hidden treasures. Searching for meaning. Searching for answers.
Anberlin
"Amazing how life turns out the way that it does
We end up hurting the worst, the only ones we really love
I wanna break every clock
The hands of time could never move again
We could stay in this moment (stay in this moment)
For the rest of our lives
Is it over now hey, hey, is it over now"
This past weekend, I have been in florida having some R and R. Something I needed desperately. It was a chance to hang out with friends. To grow, to become. Thursday night I really wanted to go the to beach. And even though some people are wondering why I would choose night to go, then I must take you sometime. The beach at night is unsettling. It's unsettling because you can not be out there, and not see God's hand. You look around, and you see beauty. If you close your eyes to block it out, you hear beauty, as you hear the ocean lap against the shore line. You block out the ocean sound, and you can feel God's beauty in the sand. Seashells line the shore line, as your toes play in the sand. He is everywhere. He surrounds all. Sometimes I wonder why the God who created all this beauty would allow us to change so much. To allow so much.
I walked out onto a pier that was in the middle of the water alone that night. I walked out in the black, barely able to see ahead of me. As I kept walking, it seemed as if the pier stretched farther away from me. The sea air whipped around me, filling my nose with the sweet ocean smell. I made it to the end, where the only thing near was water. And all I could think about is how moses felt. Because truly that night I felt that I was standing on holy ground. Like a little child, I gazed into the black ocean. Looking up into the night sky, and feeling... helplessly in love. At the moment, changing didn't matter. Life didn't matter. All I wanted to do was to plunge into the ocean, and be one with my maker.
It's amazing how things happen. It's amazing that suddenly, at the drop of a coin, in the blink of an eye, life can be completely change for you. It's scary, it's nerve wracking. IN a way it's quite disheartening. Think about it You could be building this house, and you've spent years on it, and suddenly it's gone. You come in to work on the house the next day, and it's collapsed.
I guess that's what tests our characters.. To see how we'll rebuild from the wreckage. Do you take a look at the blueprints and see what went wrong? Or do you sit there in stunned amazement and what happened.
Our lives are like sand. Things won't ever be the same as it once was. All that is needed is for the wind to pick us up, and throw us somewhere else, or a wave to take us into the ocean.
So here's to plunging in. Diving deep to search for hidden treasures. Searching for meaning. Searching for answers.
Anberlin
"Amazing how life turns out the way that it does
We end up hurting the worst, the only ones we really love
I wanna break every clock
The hands of time could never move again
We could stay in this moment (stay in this moment)
For the rest of our lives
Is it over now hey, hey, is it over now"
It's midnight.. Do you know where your children are?
So let me get this straight... it's midnight. And I'm once again writing... I'm not sure why.. the urge to write consumes me as much as it confuses me. It's like a disease in my body. My fingers itch to type, draw, react, express. Odd for me to talk about my fingers as if they have a brain. In reality, I don't know what I would be doing right now, if I wasn't writing something. I'd probably be going nuts.
Do you ever think about the human language? Normally, we would see this as a massive system. But when I step back and look at it, it's so confining. There are things I want to express to certain people, but my ability to communicate to people hinders my ability. Think about this though... If you have one of the biggest vocabularies in the world, that becomes a hindrance to you as well. You would end up using words nobody would understand. Then you would have to explain it to someone. That's takes away from any impact that you may have been trying to accomplish. Are words enough?
In theory, the verbal word is supposed to have the most impact. But does it? Could actions be a close tie? Please allow me to explain.
You can be with someone your interested in. And you two can talk up the town, and may never know what could come of your talks. But what happens when your saying goodbye? Is there more meaning in a hug that lasts longer than normal? Is the wordless 5 seconds of eye contact, where you feel like you have to tear your eyes away from theirs before you can breath again, mean more than 20 minute of talking??
Unless you have the ability, and the courage to admit to someone your feelings, (which very few of us do) then actions could be the closest thing you have to understanding someone's feelings. Any this is feelings of any type.. Anger, love, confusion, etc. Not many of us have the courage to tell someone your angry at them. Nor do we have the courage to tell someone we're interested in them.
I'm not saying that all actions are clear and understandable. But when actions are tied into words, then it was powerful. When you do as you say. ACTUALLY DO IT, and not just say it, then that is a powerful thing. I think maybe that's why I feel the human language is constricting. Because it's only half of it. Or just a part of it. Actions play such a big part in our lives, that we can't ignore it.
Paint the town red with love.
Turn feelings into actions.
Turn bitterness into newness.
Put actions into your words. Put life into the earth.
Intoxicate people with love.
Do you ever think about the human language? Normally, we would see this as a massive system. But when I step back and look at it, it's so confining. There are things I want to express to certain people, but my ability to communicate to people hinders my ability. Think about this though... If you have one of the biggest vocabularies in the world, that becomes a hindrance to you as well. You would end up using words nobody would understand. Then you would have to explain it to someone. That's takes away from any impact that you may have been trying to accomplish. Are words enough?
In theory, the verbal word is supposed to have the most impact. But does it? Could actions be a close tie? Please allow me to explain.
You can be with someone your interested in. And you two can talk up the town, and may never know what could come of your talks. But what happens when your saying goodbye? Is there more meaning in a hug that lasts longer than normal? Is the wordless 5 seconds of eye contact, where you feel like you have to tear your eyes away from theirs before you can breath again, mean more than 20 minute of talking??
Unless you have the ability, and the courage to admit to someone your feelings, (which very few of us do) then actions could be the closest thing you have to understanding someone's feelings. Any this is feelings of any type.. Anger, love, confusion, etc. Not many of us have the courage to tell someone your angry at them. Nor do we have the courage to tell someone we're interested in them.
I'm not saying that all actions are clear and understandable. But when actions are tied into words, then it was powerful. When you do as you say. ACTUALLY DO IT, and not just say it, then that is a powerful thing. I think maybe that's why I feel the human language is constricting. Because it's only half of it. Or just a part of it. Actions play such a big part in our lives, that we can't ignore it.
Paint the town red with love.
Turn feelings into actions.
Turn bitterness into newness.
Put actions into your words. Put life into the earth.
Intoxicate people with love.
Late night rambles
Forgetting... To forgot is not to remember something. But can you truly forget something where you still see scars?
For instance. In humanity. Humanity is completely lead astray. In Christians lead other Christians astray with certian teaching and attitudes. Are we to believe and trust the very people who said C.S Lewis was consumed with satan?
Can we forget?
fallible.. We're all fallible. We allow emotions to conflict opinions. We allow it to cloud our judgment. We all them to consume us sometimes. And for what? Do emotions make us more consistent? Or do they add to the consistency of mankind?
I once could consider myself to be a stone wall. Nothing could effect me. You could have been my best friend, and stabbed me, in the back, and I would not have reacted. Seriously. Somewhere over time, I stopped taking care of my walls. And they chipped. Little by little they chipped down. And what was revealed scared me. So I have been working every since to rebuild what I lost. But sometimes, like tonight, I realize I have alot left to go.
What's funny about the whole thing, is that we only have this one chance. This one time to live this life. And somehow along the way, with what I've learn about man-kind, I'm going to screw it up. I've come to accept this. Mainly because it is unavoidable. For instances:
I once was really super outgoing. And that got me in trouble some. Then I shrunk into a shell, and that got me in trouble. Then I was somewhere in between... And THAT got me in trouble.
So no matter what we do, we're going to piss someone off. It's just that simple. So which way do you go? The simple fact is, all paths have been traveled by someone before us. "The path less traveled by" will make you an outcast. And piss people off. Going down the path everyone else goes now pisses people off as well, because you keep running into them. So what do you do?
Right now I've established my disdain for humanity. I hope that part is clear, lol. But for some reason, I keep having to come back and love them. It could be apart of my problem with people... I love people so much. More than people can imagine. I pour my life into them.. but it seems like it's not needed. Nor wanted.
Frustration. Brokenness. Darkness. Light. Emptiness. Confusion.
- Love-
'Future of Forestry'
"If you find her"
She won�t falter easy
She�ll be careful, she'll be coy
But still she paints her heart
Among the musings of a boy
If You find her
Tell her that I love her
If she hears You
Ask her heart to come
At the break of morning
The day awaits her when she sleeps
Deep inside her dreams is all
The beauty that she keeps
"Gazing"
From this blessed morning
My love constant has been pouring
Pouring out like rivers to Your heart
Glory bells are ringing
I can't keep myself from singing
Singing out like rivers to Your heart
Oh, Lord, I have found my place in this home, this home inside of You
And here, my Lord, I can see Your face
In this home, this home inside of You
Like a child I'm gazing
Into wondrous grace
For You have been the love that fell like sun upon my face
Like a child I'm gazing
Into wondrous love
You're taking me to places that my heart is dreaming of
Broken I was crawling
And You saw my tears were falling
Falling down like rivers to Your heart
When my world was folding
God, You saw my prayers were flowing
Flowing out like rivers to Your heart
Hear the sacred songs that touch the earth and the sky
See them rise until they move like stars within Your eyes
For instance. In humanity. Humanity is completely lead astray. In Christians lead other Christians astray with certian teaching and attitudes. Are we to believe and trust the very people who said C.S Lewis was consumed with satan?
Can we forget?
fallible.. We're all fallible. We allow emotions to conflict opinions. We allow it to cloud our judgment. We all them to consume us sometimes. And for what? Do emotions make us more consistent? Or do they add to the consistency of mankind?
I once could consider myself to be a stone wall. Nothing could effect me. You could have been my best friend, and stabbed me, in the back, and I would not have reacted. Seriously. Somewhere over time, I stopped taking care of my walls. And they chipped. Little by little they chipped down. And what was revealed scared me. So I have been working every since to rebuild what I lost. But sometimes, like tonight, I realize I have alot left to go.
What's funny about the whole thing, is that we only have this one chance. This one time to live this life. And somehow along the way, with what I've learn about man-kind, I'm going to screw it up. I've come to accept this. Mainly because it is unavoidable. For instances:
I once was really super outgoing. And that got me in trouble some. Then I shrunk into a shell, and that got me in trouble. Then I was somewhere in between... And THAT got me in trouble.
So no matter what we do, we're going to piss someone off. It's just that simple. So which way do you go? The simple fact is, all paths have been traveled by someone before us. "The path less traveled by" will make you an outcast. And piss people off. Going down the path everyone else goes now pisses people off as well, because you keep running into them. So what do you do?
Right now I've established my disdain for humanity. I hope that part is clear, lol. But for some reason, I keep having to come back and love them. It could be apart of my problem with people... I love people so much. More than people can imagine. I pour my life into them.. but it seems like it's not needed. Nor wanted.
Frustration. Brokenness. Darkness. Light. Emptiness. Confusion.
- Love-
'Future of Forestry'
"If you find her"
She won�t falter easy
She�ll be careful, she'll be coy
But still she paints her heart
Among the musings of a boy
If You find her
Tell her that I love her
If she hears You
Ask her heart to come
At the break of morning
The day awaits her when she sleeps
Deep inside her dreams is all
The beauty that she keeps
"Gazing"
From this blessed morning
My love constant has been pouring
Pouring out like rivers to Your heart
Glory bells are ringing
I can't keep myself from singing
Singing out like rivers to Your heart
Oh, Lord, I have found my place in this home, this home inside of You
And here, my Lord, I can see Your face
In this home, this home inside of You
Like a child I'm gazing
Into wondrous grace
For You have been the love that fell like sun upon my face
Like a child I'm gazing
Into wondrous love
You're taking me to places that my heart is dreaming of
Broken I was crawling
And You saw my tears were falling
Falling down like rivers to Your heart
When my world was folding
God, You saw my prayers were flowing
Flowing out like rivers to Your heart
Hear the sacred songs that touch the earth and the sky
See them rise until they move like stars within Your eyes
idk.. my bff God?
I really should be asleep right now.. I just finished a full work day.. and I go in at 6:30 tomorrow morning.. But I'm restless.. and I don't know why?
Maybe it's because I shouldn't be working so much, and I should be in college... But I couldn't get enough money.. so that involves more work.. But before I can save for college.. I've had to pay for tires.. And Tire alignment. And to actually get my door fixed....
Sometimes I wonder if I'm truly alive.. And not just in a passenger seat, with the car cranked to the left, and I'm just spinning out in circles... The car can be a different shade... but it's always the same...
Maybe I'm just in a crappy mood.. or maybe there's something I'm chasing.. but I don't know what it is, or where to find it.
This life is nothing but circles..
I want to go here. Well.. I need money.. So I have to work for it.. But the older you get.. the more money you need... and it goes on and on and on. So the 20 hour work weeks, become 40+.
And it's still not enough.
Yet the church as we know it, waste it on going to bible bowls, and dishing out a lot of money to get those kids to those bowls.. Yet there's people broken. There's people on the streets... Where the money that's going to these kids, Who are already in nice homes and have parents to take care of them, could be going to help a entire family actually get on there feet.
I don't see God in that.. I see man.
Maybe I'm just venting some harbored up emotions.. But I'm getting sick and tired of selfishness. Of the mind set 'If I DESTROY this person, I'll look better' Or the "I might need this money in 10 years, better hold on to it" and not buy this helpless guy some food.. (And yes. If a person asks you for money, that doesn't mean you have to give it to them. It means you can offer to buy them some food. And if they really need the money, then they'll take your help.. We've shunned everybody needing money for so long claiming they're just going to buy beer with it.. Why don't WE get off our fat.. butts and buy something that will actually help them. like I said.. we don't HAVE to give them money. We can offer to buy something FOR them... Some of these guys really ARE starving).
idk.. I haven't been seeing God in people lately. I've seen the rejection to God... And It's almost like I feel his brokenness because of this.. I can't describe the sadness that overcomes me when I think of how we've rejected God....
I don't want to change the world.. I want to change one life. So that they can change a life, and so on. I'm sick of all the bs (Blowing Smoke) that goes on. "Hey.. I'm Petty.. I'm a Christian." I sick of people having to tell over people they're Christians. And the reason being... people should FEEL a difference in us..... leading them to ASK us why we're different... And if you think I'm just wishful thinking.. it's been know to happen. And I know it can happen... But when we will begin to seek it... That's when the door is truly open to share with them what God has done in OUR lives.. We need to stop shoving people to God... Trust me.. God doesn't need our help... He has a way of sweetly calling his children to him, and wrapping them up in His arms.. He DOESN'T NEED our help..
I......
Just......
Want.....
To......
Feel....
The Heart Beat of Christ.....
In all of us...................................................................................
.......................
I long for it. I long to feel difference.. I'm not waiting for a "Mark of a cross" On someone's forehead.. I'm waiting for the mark of Christ's arms. Scared into our hearts.
I want to wake up kicking and screaming
I want to know that my hearts to beating.
I want to wake up kicking and screaming.
I want to live like I know what I'm living
I want to know that my hearts still beating..
It's beating, It's beating, I'm BLEEDING.
Maybe it's because I shouldn't be working so much, and I should be in college... But I couldn't get enough money.. so that involves more work.. But before I can save for college.. I've had to pay for tires.. And Tire alignment. And to actually get my door fixed....
Sometimes I wonder if I'm truly alive.. And not just in a passenger seat, with the car cranked to the left, and I'm just spinning out in circles... The car can be a different shade... but it's always the same...
Maybe I'm just in a crappy mood.. or maybe there's something I'm chasing.. but I don't know what it is, or where to find it.
This life is nothing but circles..
I want to go here. Well.. I need money.. So I have to work for it.. But the older you get.. the more money you need... and it goes on and on and on. So the 20 hour work weeks, become 40+.
And it's still not enough.
Yet the church as we know it, waste it on going to bible bowls, and dishing out a lot of money to get those kids to those bowls.. Yet there's people broken. There's people on the streets... Where the money that's going to these kids, Who are already in nice homes and have parents to take care of them, could be going to help a entire family actually get on there feet.
I don't see God in that.. I see man.
Maybe I'm just venting some harbored up emotions.. But I'm getting sick and tired of selfishness. Of the mind set 'If I DESTROY this person, I'll look better' Or the "I might need this money in 10 years, better hold on to it" and not buy this helpless guy some food.. (And yes. If a person asks you for money, that doesn't mean you have to give it to them. It means you can offer to buy them some food. And if they really need the money, then they'll take your help.. We've shunned everybody needing money for so long claiming they're just going to buy beer with it.. Why don't WE get off our fat.. butts and buy something that will actually help them. like I said.. we don't HAVE to give them money. We can offer to buy something FOR them... Some of these guys really ARE starving).
idk.. I haven't been seeing God in people lately. I've seen the rejection to God... And It's almost like I feel his brokenness because of this.. I can't describe the sadness that overcomes me when I think of how we've rejected God....
I don't want to change the world.. I want to change one life. So that they can change a life, and so on. I'm sick of all the bs (Blowing Smoke) that goes on. "Hey.. I'm Petty.. I'm a Christian." I sick of people having to tell over people they're Christians. And the reason being... people should FEEL a difference in us..... leading them to ASK us why we're different... And if you think I'm just wishful thinking.. it's been know to happen. And I know it can happen... But when we will begin to seek it... That's when the door is truly open to share with them what God has done in OUR lives.. We need to stop shoving people to God... Trust me.. God doesn't need our help... He has a way of sweetly calling his children to him, and wrapping them up in His arms.. He DOESN'T NEED our help..
I......
Just......
Want.....
To......
Feel....
The Heart Beat of Christ.....
In all of us........................
.......................
I long for it. I long to feel difference.. I'm not waiting for a "Mark of a cross" On someone's forehead.. I'm waiting for the mark of Christ's arms. Scared into our hearts.
I want to wake up kicking and screaming
I want to know that my hearts to beating.
I want to wake up kicking and screaming.
I want to live like I know what I'm living
I want to know that my hearts still beating..
It's beating, It's beating, I'm BLEEDING.
Sunday, March 18, 2007
Clay?
Just when everything seemed to be prefect, and the all was right in the world, I get thrown a curveball. It made me question God a bit. I was a little dazed and confused. It's not that I didn't trust God. It's the curiousity of wondering if everything would ever be 'normal'. I started to ask God 'Why?'. Who else would you ask but your Father? And to make a long story short, God told me "I'm not done changing you yet'. And I started to tihink and realize how much we really are like clay. If you let clay stay still for a period of time, it hardens, making it difficult and sometimes impossible, to mold anymore. After a while, you just can mold it like you once could, or something happened to deform it along the way. So after a while, The Potters just BREAKS it DOWN, and starts from the beginning. Remolding us, and bringing us back to the place where we need to be, so he can continue to work he's image into us.
That's what God has been doing to me. And I realized, if it wasn't for these curveballs God throws me, I might return to my former self. And I REFUSE to go BACK.
"God, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for these curveballs. It may not feel all that great at the time, but I'm grateful for you always molding me, and never giving up on this piece of art."
That's what God has been doing to me. And I realized, if it wasn't for these curveballs God throws me, I might return to my former self. And I REFUSE to go BACK.
"God, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for these curveballs. It may not feel all that great at the time, but I'm grateful for you always molding me, and never giving up on this piece of art."
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Realness
Ok.. So Sunday night was an amazing night. Anybody that was there by the lake can attest to it. And for the first time, in a long time, I cried... Which may not seem that big to anybody else.. But It showed actual emotions. Emotions I had long buried, and hidden from the world.
A while ago, I cut off any and all emotion that I had.. The only thing I let slip through, was anger. I didn't really care about anybody, I didn't care for myself, and had no problem doing stupid stuff that could kill me, because in general, I wanted to die. I had no real friends, and I didn't care to have any..
Over time, that has changed alot.. I have changed alot.. I no longer curse God, I no longer blame him for stuff... And slowly.. my attitude has changed about life...
I have an amazing group of friends. EAch is special in there on way, but I'm not going to list names... They know who they are, and who special they are to me and the world. I've grown at an amazing rate with God.. And all sorts of stuff.. I could go on and on about the changes.. but that's not what this is about.
When I was struggling with life in general... I built up alot of defenses. I threw up trust barriers that nobody could get through... I prefected a mask, in which nobody could see through. I didn't hurt, I didn't feel.. I was a walking tin man. But over time, things happened, and I realized HOW much at the lake that night... I cried.
God has been throwing down my defenses, he's been breaking my barriers, and giving me a new start.. When I realized how much God had done in my life, I lost it.. And for the first time since Kids Camp.. I cried in front of people.. Not just people, but close friends. I didn't worry, or care what they thought. All I knew was God had saved me from myself... Or what I thought was myself.
In the end.. I realized that I was finally seeing the REAL me. The one I had been searching for, and couldn't find. But not only have I been seeing the real me myself... but I've been allowing others to see my heart. I've been laying myself out open on the table for others to see... and it's... astounding. The freedom in the air, the closeness I feel to God and my friends. The love of LIFE. All life.
So standing there, on the dock at starbucks, I met with God once again. And he threw down another defense, and said "cry". Cry for others. Cry for the pain that others are feeling. Cry for the joy that you know will come to them when it's over, because you know it's going to come to them. Open yourself up, and cry before people you consider friends, and see what happens. And you know what happened? Nothing. They didn't say anything, they didn't make fun of me, nothing. I was afraid of nothing. And once again, the astounding, and amazing God knew that.
So don't be afraid to cry. For yourself, and for others. It sounds funny to say that, but even now my spirit is crying. My spirit is crying out to God, Demanding a Revolution. And it's coming. The Revolution in this world, and in my life, is just beginning. It's been past time for us to stand up, and be real with the people around us. SO now my friends, and family in Christ. Join me. Join me for this amazing Revolution. Because like it or not, it's coming. And your going to be along for the ride.
A while ago, I cut off any and all emotion that I had.. The only thing I let slip through, was anger. I didn't really care about anybody, I didn't care for myself, and had no problem doing stupid stuff that could kill me, because in general, I wanted to die. I had no real friends, and I didn't care to have any..
Over time, that has changed alot.. I have changed alot.. I no longer curse God, I no longer blame him for stuff... And slowly.. my attitude has changed about life...
I have an amazing group of friends. EAch is special in there on way, but I'm not going to list names... They know who they are, and who special they are to me and the world. I've grown at an amazing rate with God.. And all sorts of stuff.. I could go on and on about the changes.. but that's not what this is about.
When I was struggling with life in general... I built up alot of defenses. I threw up trust barriers that nobody could get through... I prefected a mask, in which nobody could see through. I didn't hurt, I didn't feel.. I was a walking tin man. But over time, things happened, and I realized HOW much at the lake that night... I cried.
God has been throwing down my defenses, he's been breaking my barriers, and giving me a new start.. When I realized how much God had done in my life, I lost it.. And for the first time since Kids Camp.. I cried in front of people.. Not just people, but close friends. I didn't worry, or care what they thought. All I knew was God had saved me from myself... Or what I thought was myself.
In the end.. I realized that I was finally seeing the REAL me. The one I had been searching for, and couldn't find. But not only have I been seeing the real me myself... but I've been allowing others to see my heart. I've been laying myself out open on the table for others to see... and it's... astounding. The freedom in the air, the closeness I feel to God and my friends. The love of LIFE. All life.
So standing there, on the dock at starbucks, I met with God once again. And he threw down another defense, and said "cry". Cry for others. Cry for the pain that others are feeling. Cry for the joy that you know will come to them when it's over, because you know it's going to come to them. Open yourself up, and cry before people you consider friends, and see what happens. And you know what happened? Nothing. They didn't say anything, they didn't make fun of me, nothing. I was afraid of nothing. And once again, the astounding, and amazing God knew that.
So don't be afraid to cry. For yourself, and for others. It sounds funny to say that, but even now my spirit is crying. My spirit is crying out to God, Demanding a Revolution. And it's coming. The Revolution in this world, and in my life, is just beginning. It's been past time for us to stand up, and be real with the people around us. SO now my friends, and family in Christ. Join me. Join me for this amazing Revolution. Because like it or not, it's coming. And your going to be along for the ride.
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