Body of Lies

I find myself becoming more critical in my thinking. Not in a bad way, but in the way of discovering things. The current piece I'm working on has a part to do with that, but there are more aspects to this story we call life.

Is it not funny how everybody breeds lies in with truth? It seems like nobody is capable of just saying yes or no nowadays. As if they must hide a part of their lives, in fear that people will find them out. I heard this from a really sick dude, and I think his pretty well known, I hear a lot about him. But he is quoted in saying "Let what you say be simply 'Yes' or 'No'; anything more than this comes from evil". Pretty nice quote.

Take for example the cultural phenomenon, oh, he/she is just my brother/sister, when in actuality, they like that person. In some examples, this may actually be the case, but in most it is not. I find it foolish that people can no longer openly admit if they have interest in someone or not. I revert back to my friends quote, let your yes be yes, and your no be no. It's honestly not that hard.

Is it really that hard for us to be transparent? Even with close friends, it seems as if there is this barrier that hinders transparency. What are the repercussions when we decide to hide everything back? Does that not hinder us more than help? This piles on burden after burden onto us, and I find that out emotional bodies can only handle so much.

Back to blogging

I haven't blogged, nor wrote anything in a long time. But as the school semester settles, I find myself with more time to read and write. I am working on a new piece, one that is convicting, and not something people may want to hear, but hear it they will. On top of that piece I am editing, I have another piece that is nothing more than an idea. But I would rather have ideas, and nothing to do with them, than to be so tired all I can do is sleep at the end of the day.

And we always seems to sleep, don't we?

As if nothing is going on around us. As if when we go to bed, the world's problems stop.

But they don't, do they?

Dreams in the night, break in the morn.

"I believe God has dreams for me. But every attempt to step into these dreams has been a repeated scene of shooting myself in the foot. The circumstances change, but the shooting and my foot are in each scene. After each repeated failure, I have less confidence anything will ever change. I have these longings, these dreams, that I’ve always thought were from God, aching to be released. But far more often I just hurt, confuse, and frustrate the very people and environments I long to bless. It's as if nobody but me can see the dream, and there are insurmountable obstacles at every turn. "

Oh these dreams. These desires. Sometimes the thought of them consume me. I don't want to sleep. I only want to act. If I had my way, Sleep would not be an option. But as much as I dream, I feel like everytime I come close to a dream, somehow, someway, I shoot myself in the foot. Something always happens that ends the the closeness to the dream.

I have had a dream of being in college.. That desire, that dream still festers up daily. Knowing that I could be furthering my education somewhere, knowing that others are doing it as well, but knowing that I can't kills me. I was so close to being able to go this past year.. but money fell through.

Sometimes I wonder about dreaming... Is it really good for us to dream?
Dream:

an aspiration; goal; aim: A trip to Europe is his dream.

a wild or vain fancy.

–noun

1.	the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best: to give up hope.

2.	a particular instance of this feeling: the hope of winning.

3.	grounds for this feeling in a particular instance: There is little or no hope of his recovery.

4.	a person or thing in which expectations are centered: The medicine was her last hope.

5.	something that is hoped for: Her forgiveness is my constant hope.

–verb (used with object)

6.	to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence.

7.	to believe, desire, or trust: I hope that my work will be satisfactory.

Are we supposed to dream? I believe that we're supposed to hope.. but are we supposed to dream? Is dreams nothing more than a vain fancy? I can't quite explain dreams and goals.. I only know that somehow along the way, I dreamed of alot. And achieved little. It's disheartening.
That quote holds so much to me. But there's one part that I want to add in there. And it goes like this

"It's as if nobody but me can see the dream, and there are insurmountable obstacles at every turn. And what's worse, nobody would believe I could achieve these dreams."

I feel like I'm put into a box by people. People take one look at me, and judge what I can, or cannot do. A lot of times I wonder if I believe in myself to much... maybe I need to tone it down. Then maybe when my dreams are shattered, it won't hurt so much.

This is a weird blog for me... Just stuff that's been on my mind that I needed to get out. Nobody reads this stuff anyway, but it feels good to write it out.

Oh that coleridge

Poetry has been to me its own exceeding great reward; it has given me the habit of wishing to discover the good and beautiful in all that meets and surrounds me.

-Samuel Taylor Coleridge

I read that, and it struck a cord in me because it is so true. When I started to write poetry, I started seeing things differently. When I started writing poetry when I wasn't even mad, my view on life changed... I really and truly began to wish to discover the good and beautiful all around me. Every flower deserved a picture, because it was beautiful. Every girl I met had a beauty about them. It goes on and on.

A lot of times when I write, I look back, and wonder if I truly wrote that. Not because I'm amazing, but because it surprises me. I looked back at one of my posts, and remembered everything about that night, and how much I had changed. It is truly amazing how much we change without even knowing it. It's a day to day process that we don't even notice.

This is a really random post... But let me leave you with a thought. Look. Look into everything. Look at the beauty of creation. You don't have to travel to the Grand Canyon. You can find beauty in everything you see. Look for new beauty. Look at something you had already seen, and discover something you didn't know.

What if you slept? And what if, in your sleep, you dreamed?
And what if, in your dream, you went to heaven
and there plucked an strange and beautiful flower?
And what if, when you awoke, you had the flower in your hand?
Ah, what then?
-Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Reflections of xanga

I went back into my old xanga account today.. mainly because it's been.. a long time since I've been there, lol.. This was one of my last posts. I haven't edited anything so idk how bad spelling is, lol.


Friday, September 01, 2006


Our lives are full of forgotten memories. We live, and do so much, that a lot of the past stuff we have done, is gone. But for some reason, we cant get our heads past the present. Its like we need to have the here and now and nothing that is coming to us in the future. Ted Dekker said it best. Weve fallen asleep to this world.



The fact of the matter is, we have no idea all the stuff that goes in. Not only in our lives, but the world. Forget that part though We dont even know whats happening in our own bodies. We dont take time to care. We dont think about the beauty of one breath. Life giving air, filling our unseen lungs. Or each heart beat. Beating softly, with a rhythm. Pumping blood through our bodies, so that we can sustain this life.



We are asleep to the world. We only live within our own selves. For some reason, we cant seem to care about the person crying beside us. This might seem silly, but I was watching Sci-Fi There was this show called Who wants to be a superhero. I dont remember everything, but I remember that they had to complete a certain challenge. But what they thought the challenge was, really wasnt the challenge. They had placed a crying, lost girl in the path of these superheros Only one person stopped to help this girl. The others were too consumed with their own selves, rushing about trying to complete this challenge as fast as they could For themselves.



To often we do that. We ask Hey, how are you. But we really dont care if theyre fine or not. We just want them to ask US the same exact thing, so we can complain. Thats not how we were made Thats not what we were made FOR.


Heres the bottom line. There are people out there hurting. They cry themselves to sleep. They hide behind a mask. They dont show that theyre hurt, because the mask has been woven well. Take some time. Really listen. Listen to the sound of a breath. Listen and feel the beat of the heart. Take a second, and listen to the unseen tears, and unheard cry of the broken.

Lapping Ocean waves change quicker than the sand it takes away.

A few days ago, I had been thinking about how life changes. That life continually changes, like it or not. We grow, and become older, and we have different desires. Our thoughts change. Our bodies change. We change quickly, more quickly than we even change our clothes.

This past weekend, I have been in florida having some R and R. Something I needed desperately. It was a chance to hang out with friends. To grow, to become. Thursday night I really wanted to go the to beach. And even though some people are wondering why I would choose night to go, then I must take you sometime. The beach at night is unsettling. It's unsettling because you can not be out there, and not see God's hand. You look around, and you see beauty. If you close your eyes to block it out, you hear beauty, as you hear the ocean lap against the shore line. You block out the ocean sound, and you can feel God's beauty in the sand. Seashells line the shore line, as your toes play in the sand. He is everywhere. He surrounds all. Sometimes I wonder why the God who created all this beauty would allow us to change so much. To allow so much.

I walked out onto a pier that was in the middle of the water alone that night. I walked out in the black, barely able to see ahead of me. As I kept walking, it seemed as if the pier stretched farther away from me. The sea air whipped around me, filling my nose with the sweet ocean smell. I made it to the end, where the only thing near was water. And all I could think about is how moses felt. Because truly that night I felt that I was standing on holy ground. Like a little child, I gazed into the black ocean. Looking up into the night sky, and feeling... helplessly in love. At the moment, changing didn't matter. Life didn't matter. All I wanted to do was to plunge into the ocean, and be one with my maker.

It's amazing how things happen. It's amazing that suddenly, at the drop of a coin, in the blink of an eye, life can be completely change for you. It's scary, it's nerve wracking. IN a way it's quite disheartening. Think about it You could be building this house, and you've spent years on it, and suddenly it's gone. You come in to work on the house the next day, and it's collapsed.

I guess that's what tests our characters.. To see how we'll rebuild from the wreckage. Do you take a look at the blueprints and see what went wrong? Or do you sit there in stunned amazement and what happened.

God is Grace. Kindness. Compassion. Consistent. Unchanging.


Our lives are like sand. Things won't ever be the same as it once was. All that is needed is for the wind to pick us up, and throw us somewhere else, or a wave to take us into the ocean.

So here's to plunging in. Diving deep to search for hidden treasures. Searching for meaning. Searching for answers.

Anberlin

"Amazing how life turns out the way that it does
We end up hurting the worst, the only ones we really love

I wanna break every clock
The hands of time could never move again
We could stay in this moment (stay in this moment)
For the rest of our lives
Is it over now hey, hey, is it over now"

It's midnight.. Do you know where your children are?

So let me get this straight... it's midnight. And I'm once again writing... I'm not sure why.. the urge to write consumes me as much as it confuses me. It's like a disease in my body. My fingers itch to type, draw, react, express. Odd for me to talk about my fingers as if they have a brain. In reality, I don't know what I would be doing right now, if I wasn't writing something. I'd probably be going nuts.

Do you ever think about the human language? Normally, we would see this as a massive system. But when I step back and look at it, it's so confining. There are things I want to express to certain people, but my ability to communicate to people hinders my ability. Think about this though... If you have one of the biggest vocabularies in the world, that becomes a hindrance to you as well. You would end up using words nobody would understand. Then you would have to explain it to someone. That's takes away from any impact that you may have been trying to accomplish. Are words enough?

In theory, the verbal word is supposed to have the most impact. But does it? Could actions be a close tie? Please allow me to explain.

You can be with someone your interested in. And you two can talk up the town, and may never know what could come of your talks. But what happens when your saying goodbye? Is there more meaning in a hug that lasts longer than normal? Is the wordless 5 seconds of eye contact, where you feel like you have to tear your eyes away from theirs before you can breath again, mean more than 20 minute of talking??

Unless you have the ability, and the courage to admit to someone your feelings, (which very few of us do) then actions could be the closest thing you have to understanding someone's feelings. Any this is feelings of any type.. Anger, love, confusion, etc. Not many of us have the courage to tell someone your angry at them. Nor do we have the courage to tell someone we're interested in them.

I'm not saying that all actions are clear and understandable. But when actions are tied into words, then it was powerful. When you do as you say. ACTUALLY DO IT, and not just say it, then that is a powerful thing. I think maybe that's why I feel the human language is constricting. Because it's only half of it. Or just a part of it. Actions play such a big part in our lives, that we can't ignore it.

Paint the town red with love.
Turn feelings into actions.
Turn bitterness into newness.
Put actions into your words. Put life into the earth.

Intoxicate people with love.