Dreams in the night, break in the morn.

"I believe God has dreams for me. But every attempt to step into these dreams has been a repeated scene of shooting myself in the foot. The circumstances change, but the shooting and my foot are in each scene. After each repeated failure, I have less confidence anything will ever change. I have these longings, these dreams, that I’ve always thought were from God, aching to be released. But far more often I just hurt, confuse, and frustrate the very people and environments I long to bless. It's as if nobody but me can see the dream, and there are insurmountable obstacles at every turn. "

Oh these dreams. These desires. Sometimes the thought of them consume me. I don't want to sleep. I only want to act. If I had my way, Sleep would not be an option. But as much as I dream, I feel like everytime I come close to a dream, somehow, someway, I shoot myself in the foot. Something always happens that ends the the closeness to the dream.

I have had a dream of being in college.. That desire, that dream still festers up daily. Knowing that I could be furthering my education somewhere, knowing that others are doing it as well, but knowing that I can't kills me. I was so close to being able to go this past year.. but money fell through.

Sometimes I wonder about dreaming... Is it really good for us to dream?
Dream:

an aspiration; goal; aim: A trip to Europe is his dream.

a wild or vain fancy.

–noun

1.	the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best: to give up hope.

2.	a particular instance of this feeling: the hope of winning.

3.	grounds for this feeling in a particular instance: There is little or no hope of his recovery.

4.	a person or thing in which expectations are centered: The medicine was her last hope.

5.	something that is hoped for: Her forgiveness is my constant hope.

–verb (used with object)

6.	to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence.

7.	to believe, desire, or trust: I hope that my work will be satisfactory.

Are we supposed to dream? I believe that we're supposed to hope.. but are we supposed to dream? Is dreams nothing more than a vain fancy? I can't quite explain dreams and goals.. I only know that somehow along the way, I dreamed of alot. And achieved little. It's disheartening.
That quote holds so much to me. But there's one part that I want to add in there. And it goes like this

"It's as if nobody but me can see the dream, and there are insurmountable obstacles at every turn. And what's worse, nobody would believe I could achieve these dreams."

I feel like I'm put into a box by people. People take one look at me, and judge what I can, or cannot do. A lot of times I wonder if I believe in myself to much... maybe I need to tone it down. Then maybe when my dreams are shattered, it won't hurt so much.

This is a weird blog for me... Just stuff that's been on my mind that I needed to get out. Nobody reads this stuff anyway, but it feels good to write it out.

Oh that coleridge

Poetry has been to me its own exceeding great reward; it has given me the habit of wishing to discover the good and beautiful in all that meets and surrounds me.

-Samuel Taylor Coleridge

I read that, and it struck a cord in me because it is so true. When I started to write poetry, I started seeing things differently. When I started writing poetry when I wasn't even mad, my view on life changed... I really and truly began to wish to discover the good and beautiful all around me. Every flower deserved a picture, because it was beautiful. Every girl I met had a beauty about them. It goes on and on.

A lot of times when I write, I look back, and wonder if I truly wrote that. Not because I'm amazing, but because it surprises me. I looked back at one of my posts, and remembered everything about that night, and how much I had changed. It is truly amazing how much we change without even knowing it. It's a day to day process that we don't even notice.

This is a really random post... But let me leave you with a thought. Look. Look into everything. Look at the beauty of creation. You don't have to travel to the Grand Canyon. You can find beauty in everything you see. Look for new beauty. Look at something you had already seen, and discover something you didn't know.

What if you slept? And what if, in your sleep, you dreamed?
And what if, in your dream, you went to heaven
and there plucked an strange and beautiful flower?
And what if, when you awoke, you had the flower in your hand?
Ah, what then?
-Samuel Taylor Coleridge