Maybe it's because I shouldn't be working so much, and I should be in college... But I couldn't get enough money.. so that involves more work.. But before I can save for college.. I've had to pay for tires.. And Tire alignment. And to actually get my door fixed....
Sometimes I wonder if I'm truly alive.. And not just in a passenger seat, with the car cranked to the left, and I'm just spinning out in circles... The car can be a different shade... but it's always the same...
Maybe I'm just in a crappy mood.. or maybe there's something I'm chasing.. but I don't know what it is, or where to find it.
This life is nothing but circles..
I want to go here. Well.. I need money.. So I have to work for it.. But the older you get.. the more money you need... and it goes on and on and on. So the 20 hour work weeks, become 40+.
And it's still not enough.
Yet the church as we know it, waste it on going to bible bowls, and dishing out a lot of money to get those kids to those bowls.. Yet there's people broken. There's people on the streets... Where the money that's going to these kids, Who are already in nice homes and have parents to take care of them, could be going to help a entire family actually get on there feet.
I don't see God in that.. I see man.
Maybe I'm just venting some harbored up emotions.. But I'm getting sick and tired of selfishness. Of the mind set 'If I DESTROY this person, I'll look better' Or the "I might need this money in 10 years, better hold on to it" and not buy this helpless guy some food.. (And yes. If a person asks you for money, that doesn't mean you have to give it to them. It means you can offer to buy them some food. And if they really need the money, then they'll take your help.. We've shunned everybody needing money for so long claiming they're just going to buy beer with it.. Why don't WE get off our fat.. butts and buy something that will actually help them. like I said.. we don't HAVE to give them money. We can offer to buy something FOR them... Some of these guys really ARE starving).
idk.. I haven't been seeing God in people lately. I've seen the rejection to God... And It's almost like I feel his brokenness because of this.. I can't describe the sadness that overcomes me when I think of how we've rejected God....
I don't want to change the world.. I want to change one life. So that they can change a life, and so on. I'm sick of all the bs (Blowing Smoke) that goes on. "Hey.. I'm Petty.. I'm a Christian." I sick of people having to tell over people they're Christians. And the reason being... people should FEEL a difference in us..... leading them to ASK us why we're different... And if you think I'm just wishful thinking.. it's been know to happen. And I know it can happen... But when we will begin to seek it... That's when the door is truly open to share with them what God has done in OUR lives.. We need to stop shoving people to God... Trust me.. God doesn't need our help... He has a way of sweetly calling his children to him, and wrapping them up in His arms.. He DOESN'T NEED our help..
I......
Just......
Want.....
To......
Feel....
The Heart Beat of Christ.....
In all of us........................
.......................
I long for it. I long to feel difference.. I'm not waiting for a "Mark of a cross" On someone's forehead.. I'm waiting for the mark of Christ's arms. Scared into our hearts.
I want to wake up kicking and screaming
I want to know that my hearts to beating.
I want to wake up kicking and screaming.
I want to live like I know what I'm living
I want to know that my hearts still beating..
It's beating, It's beating, I'm BLEEDING.
2 comments:
"Yet the church as we know it, waste it on going to bible bowls, and dishing out a lot of money to get those kids to those bowls.."
"I don't want to change the world.. I want to change one life. So that they can change a life, and so on."
I think that your angst here is partially due to not seeing the decisions of others as having the same motivation as yourself. You are upset at the church for spending time and money on Bible bowls instead of on something more tangible like homeless shelters.
Yet you personally see the value in changing one life so that they in turn can change many lives.
I think that is the purpose behind these Bible bowls that you seem to be condemning. Those kids that compete are hiding God's Word in their hearts and I propose that will change the rest of their lives and in turn the lives of many more people.
I've seen alot of kids that have done bible bowls, and such.. I see that they know it. I see that they hide it, but a lot of them don't understand it. I rarely see what they learn put into action. Wouldn't a program teaching kids the bible, and how to spread it to the community, be better than what's there now?
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